Why not me?

Why me? I have struggled with this question a lot throughout my life. Why did I have to have the parents that I had, abusive in every since of the word? Why did I have to have the dysfunctional family that I grew up with? Why did I have to spend a good portion of my childhood in foster care. Why did I have to get sick? Why did I have to lose my job? Why can’t I go and do as I please like so many other people do in this world? WHY, WHY, WHY?

Life is not always fair but I do believe that everything happens for a reason and God always has a plan, even if I don’t see it. I know He did not cause me to have the past that I have and He did not make me sick; that is just a product of living in a fallen world. So, where does God fit in the grander scheme of life? He is my source, my rescuer, my comforter, my healer. God heals in many ways, that is something that I have come to realize.

Not so long ago, I had been going through a particularly tough day and I had come to my breaking point when I asked God one last time, WHY ME?

It felt like an avalanche was coming down on me since I had found out that I was sick with Lupus. It was one thing after the other and the bad news wasn’t letting up. I was tired of the unfairness of life in itself.

That day, I asked God, why me? I didn’t expect the answer that I got back. Why Not YOU?  I had been so wrapped up in the unfairness of life, that I had forgotten that God can use every situation in my life to show His power.

Paul states in 2 Corinthians 12: 7-9 ESV, “…a thorn was given to me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

Paul wanted this torment to end but Jesus told Him “My power is made perfect in weakness…” Then Paul says something very strange and foreign to our intellect, “…Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” (2 Corinthians 12: 9 ESV) Paul actually considered himself to be in the right place at the right time with an infirmity that was going to make him stronger. In fact, Paul goes on to say, “For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” (2 Corinthians 12: 10 ESV)

Although, I cannot equate everyone’s situation and illnesses to mine, I can say for me that God’s grace is sufficient for my needs. When I am faced with the why me, I will stop and ask Why not me?

How far would I be willing to go, to share Jesus with others? I could choose to stay in the why me or I could move forward and be in the why not me?  I am not signing up to be sick, but since these things are a part of my life, I am willing to use my weaknesses as a testimony to share with the world, my Heavenly Father’s Love, grace and mercy. I am willing to be open and real about my life experiences and share as I go through this journey with others. I am far from perfect, I stumble and I fall just like everyone else, but at the end of the day I remember that I have a Savior no matter what I am facing.

Every day is a huge cross to bear for me, but I can either ask why me or I can take up my cross and follow HIM. And that is the song I will sing until I go to meet my Father in a perfect place, where there is no sickness or dying. His grace is sufficient for me, for His power is made perfect in my weakness.




What really constitutes being a Father?

I was born in the most obscure circumstances possible. My biological father was abusive in every way possible from the time I was just a toddler until I was nine-years-old. My parents divorced at that time and for a short time my three siblings and I  lived with my mother.
One day, without any forewarning  my siblings and I were taken away from our mother and placed in foster care. Although we were safe from physical abuse in our foster home, mental abuse was still the order. I learned at an early age how to look after myself and to protect my brother and two sisters. For the most part, I was the father and the mother to my siblings. Still, even in the midst of an abusive life, God still found a way into my life and he placed different people in my path even for short times.
Even though my life had been filled with abuse, neglect, and abandonment, God was still a part of my life. We were taken to church, we were taught about Jesus and I managed to find people that seemed to care about me and my siblings despite our plight in life. I knew who God was but I did not have a relationship
with Him. When people would say that God was my Father, I could not relate, every father I had known to this point was a bitter
I met my husband when I was just a eighteen. After a very short courtship we would become engaged and married just a short time
later. One of the defining factors of my relationship with my husband was that he went to church with his parents. I too wanted
to go to church and so I attended church with my husband and his parents.
One day a missionary came to our church and talked about Guatemala. I connected with the pictures of the starving dirty poor children and I wanted to go help. This mission trip would be a life changing experience for me.
At this time in my life I was twenty-nine years old, had two small children but I was still not over my past and the abuse that I had
suffered, but I was determined to keep moving, that was the only thing I knew, just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
On the mission trip I became acquainted with the Associate Pastor of the church.  Back home, at the church for an entire year he had been relentless to always go out of his way to speak to me and my husband and he would call us by name. However, I was not about to let anyone in my life, I had a hedge of protection around me, and I would not give him the time of day.
On the mission trip He spent time talking to me, encouraging me and even pushing me to become more connected and to break out of my shell.
When we came back home from the mission trip, I began to open up to the Associate Pastor. He proved to me to be trustworthy. He was patient, he taught me the word of God, he prayed for me over and over again. One day I realized, “maybe this is what a dad really is?”
I wish time would allow for me to tell of all that I have learned from this man, but one thing that stands above the rest is his unconditional love. No matter how stubborn I was, no matter how angry I was, he still loved and cared for me and kept leading me to Jesus.
We have built a trusting relationship for nine years and he has taught me everything a real father should have. This man is now my spiritual father, because of Him I can call God my Father for the first time and mean it because now I understand what a father really is.
I believe that spiritual fathers and spiritual mothers are essential in the church for repairing damage that has been done to young Christians. For me, it was the only tangible way to learn the basics of a relationship without expectations. Because of one person willing to take the time to step out in faith and keep trying even though it was difficult, I was able to know unconditional love and give my life willingly over to God. #unconditionallove #survivor #metoo

What is autoimmune disease to me?

What is autoimmune disease? The medical definition is as follows; An illness that occurs when the body tissues are attacked by its own immune system. 

However, I have my own thoughts on what autoimmune disease means to me.

For me it’s not knowing what comes next. My good days are a normal person’s worst day. It’s the daily renewing of my mind to fight against depression, aggravation, and anger. It’s a daily awareness of how I feel, things I do, and how much I do.  It’s a daily fight for my life. 


Chronic illness is more than just a disease that makes my body hurt and an illness that won’t ever go away. It’s mentally draining, it attacks me to my core. Some of my biggest fears in life have had to be confronted in order to survive this illness. There isn’t room for wasting precious energy on things that I can’t control.

Facing a chronic illness is not easy, it’s scary and full of unknowns and unanswered questions. It can be lonely at times, even if you do have a full circle of supporters. I often see that other people say that no one understands them, and that is right! No one can possibly understand what you are going through except for yourself. It is your journey. However, we can’t get caught up in how much others do or do not understand what we are going through when we really can’t fully understand it ourselves. 

If you are a caretaker of someone with Autoimmune disease, the biggest gift you can give to your loved one is to say I believe you and listen. Understand that this illness is beyond what you can see, physically and psychologically. 

If you are one of my fellow spoonies, find a support system of others that you can gather information from and that can relate. If you need a support buddy, message me!

What is autoimmune disease to you? 






While the entire world is recovering from celebrating the start of a New Year, those of us who have an illness are most likely inside today, still recovering from last month’s holidays.

Today, reflect on how far you have come. You made it!! Know that you are strong, courageous, and you are a winner.

As long as we are in this together, there is always hope!

Take time to celebrate the small victories.



New Year’s Resolution Ideas Suitable for the Chronically Ill 

I really appreciate this post very much. Great ideas for the New Year.

Life with an illness

Having a chronic illness not only abuses your body, but really slows you down in all aspects. You are constantly hurting and dragging your feet to get things done in your life. The world runs on goals. Whether your goal is to accomplish a marathon, or for some people their goal is to just get out of bed and go to work. Goals are a great way to push yourself and reach a high expectation. It is common to set goals for yourself when starting the New Year to push for a better you. Here is a list of ideas for New Year’s resolutions suitable for the chronically ill.

  • Eating a healthier diet and adding more nutrients – food is medicine.
  • Find ways you can help give back to others. (Charities, soup kitchen, $ donations, etc..)
  • Enjoying the little things in life more, after a chronic illness you know the…

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