Category: chronic illness

In the moment of heartache.

Worrying never got me anywhere before. So why should it now? There have been many times when I could have died, but I didn’t. There have been many times that I made plans, but they didn’t work out. And there were many times when I said, “to hell with it,” but things worked out anyway.
We think we have control, we desire to have control but our control is very limited. We can control our attitude and behavior, but we have far less control of outcomes. We have no control over what other people will do, what nature will do, what opportunities will be available to us.  We want what we want!
I think about all the craziness in my life right now with what seems like a trillion diseases that I can not control. The doctors don’t know what to do either. They finally have said the most heart-wrenching words anyone has to hear, “ we can’t do anything for you.” Sitting in the Mayo Jacksonville clinic, the place that was supposed to have the answers, the place I put hope into, within a years time had given up on me.
In the moment of heartache, and being lost for what to do next, the only thing that I knew was all I had was God. He can still heal me even if they can’t. He can ease the pain, he can mend the brokenness. It’s taken a bit to realize I can not worry about the next step and chase cures that aren’t there. Its taken a while to realize that I need to face each day one day at a time, one problem at a time. I do not look at my entire illness as a whole anymore, and I do not think about what if.

Allow today’s problems to be enough. Worrying about tomorrow won’t make it better. And you might ruin your last day worrying about a day that’s not going to come. We should consider each day as possibly our last because one day it will be. Ask yourself: If today was my last day, what are some things I would want to do?

Walk through the valley.

I have walked through some of the darkest years of my life alone, so I thought. I have felt broken physically, mentally and spiritually. I have been completely overwhelmed at times with life, and not knowing what direction to go that I was afraid to move. To think the next thought, I might fall apart.  I have thought, that I just can’t just make it through another day through with all of my illnesses more times that I want to admit.

But I hold it all together for myself, my husband, and more than anything for my kids. I know that I am not alone,God is always with me, he will never leave me and I can always turn to him. I know that someone is reading this right now saying they know how this feels. 

No matter where I have been in this journey, I have learned that all of those feelings are only temporary even if they come back after a while. God has always sent help my way.
It may have been an encouraging word from a nurse, or something I read, or sending someone my way to bring a word of grace, but he has always provided what I needed.

I have to look for God even in the smallest of things because even if it doesn’t appear that anything is changing I know that God is always doing something. I know the closer that I walk with God, the more Satan will try to knock me down but I have to stand tall, and be strong in my faith and know where my help comes from no matter the challenge I am facing.  

What Satan doesn’t realize is the very tool that he thought would make me turn on God has brought me even closer to my heavenly Father. The sickness and the hardships of my life has made me put total dependency on God, instead of myself or someone else. Satan doesn’t want me to rise above my problems but I choose to rise above anyway even if it will take a little more effort on my part. 

David wrote in Psalms 23,” Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for you are with me.”

I can see a light.

I have walked through some of the darkest years of my life alone, so I thought. I have experienced broken-ness and I have been overwhelmed at times, afraid to move because if I dare, everything might collapse around me. I have feared to think the next thought, because I might not be able to hold it together.  I have thought more times that I want to admit, that I just can’t make it through another day. And yet, I still hold it all together because I am strong, I am a child of God, because I have a purpose.  I know that someone is reading this right now saying and I can identify with this heaviness. 

Here’s the thing, no matter where I have been on my journey, I have learned that all of those feelings are temporary, even if they come back after a while, they still go away.

God has always sent help my way. 
It may have been an encouraging word from a nurse, or something I read, or sending someone my way to bring a word of grace, but he has always provided what I needed when I needed it.

I just have to look for God, even in the smallest of things. He is always doing something.

God never leaves us even when the burden is way to heavy. Trust in this that he is with you, just as he has been with me.

David wrote in Psalms 23,” Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for you are with me.”

Purpose.

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#purpose

God gives me power and authority.

With every problem or crisis that we acquire, there are two choices; fear or faith, and we must choose one each time we face a crisis. We make the choice, fear or faith, almost immediately and most of the time we aren’t even aware that we are making a choice.

via God Gave Me Power and Authority — GODINTEREST – Christian digital media website exploring faith, culture and life

Rise!

Rise!

What if God wants to use you and what you are going through to reach someone else? What if He wants to heal you so that your story can heal someone else? I know that I often see myself as insignificant but God does not see me that way! He sees me and you differently than how we see ourselves. He sees us stronger than we give ourselves credit for, he sees us as victorious, significant, and he wants for us to live the abundant life that he prepared for us before we were even born.

We were made to RISE above! Whatever you are facing today, it does not define who you are. Maybe you have an illness, depression, addiction, abuse, anxiety, or past regrets, whatever it is God has a plan. Be still and you will find it.

 

Surrounded ( Fight my battles) Michael W.Smith

 

This song seemed appropriate for my mood today. Enjoy.

Suffering doesn’t always have to mean hopeless.

When you are suffering it’s easy to slip into a state of hopelessness.

I live with chronic illness, my major organs are being attacked one of them is my heart, that means unless God heals me, I am not going to get any better. That also means, each day I have to be at peace with where I am at today, at this very moment. You can be angry about the past or your present right now, that’s entirely up to you. I tend not to give the power back over to the people or my illness that have already ruined things once.


The way I see it is; that I can live life one of two ways;


One; I was born into an unfair world, I suffered and I didn’t deserve how I got treated. I get knocked down too much and I don’t think life is fair so I am not going to even try. Life just sucks…

Two; I can use my circumstances and become stronger because of them. Every time life knocks me down, I get back up again using it as a spring-board. I focus on the good things in life and enjoy every moment in life that I do have.

I choose to live my life exactly like the second choice. I have no time for negativity in my mind because my time is so precious and limited.

I refuse to allow myself to think about how unfair my illness is.  I know the consequences in the end, but I do not dwell on them. I am making my life worthwhile anyway though, no matter the trials. 

Make your life count for something no matter what is going on in your life. If you are sick, count your blessings still.

I would rather live out the rest of my days being grateful for all the things I  do have, rather than be upset, live in regret, waste precious time, for the things I didn’t do or don’t have.

How to battle fear.

Fear is something that we will all experience in our lives, but fear is actually an emotion that we can control.

Fear is an emotion that brings on a reaction of fight or flight. Fear can manifests itself in all areas of our lives. When fear comes, we generally choose one of two pathways; we either stand and battle out whatever is causing the fear, or we run away from the fearful situation. Fear is the most powerful weapon that the enemy can use against us. Living in fear can absolutely can kill, steal, and destroy. Isn’t this the scheme of Satan?

As I am watching the latest on the school shooting here in my home state of Florida, many thoughts are running through my mind. I wonder how many parents are thinking they need to homeschool their children.
I wonder how my daughter and son would react in the same situation if it happened in their schools. Would they give in to fear, would they be able to react in time and overcome their fear to survive? How many teachers are thinking they need to resign?
Last night one of the schools in a nearby small town cancelled school today because of a potential threat. This morning, I watched my kids walk out the door for school, and worry did run through my mind, but I also know that I cannot give into fear. I lived in fear for many years of my life as a result of an abusive childhood.
It took a long time for me to learn how to control my fear but once I did my life changed dramatically. First, I had to accept that there are some things in life that I am not going to be able to control. I have to live my life, and stop merely existing. Fear can paralyze even the strongest of person, and the grip is so tight it’s almost impossible to get out of its hold. Fear would give me overwhelming anxiety and take over all of my senses. Understand that fear is a product of the evil in this world and that evil uses fear to control. Once you allowed fear to enter into your mind you are already suffering.
There are a lot of things going on in the world right now and we can choose to be afraid, to send our kids to school and or we can teach them to speak up when they see questionable Snapchats, texts, or whatever.

We can equip our children to live in their generation without being afraid. Our kids will emulate our actions and reactions so we need to learn how to deal with fear first and foremost.

One of the ways that I battle fear is to control my mind and it’s thought processes. Satan can do a lot of things but he cannot control your thoughts. The mind can occupy just one single thought at a time.

So, in order to keep fear at bay, I have learned the key point to getting out of the emotion of fear is to stay positive. I have learned to make positive statements to myself almost repetitively. I have found that when I think on the positive aspects of my life or the positive things around me, my conscious mind eventually accepts my subconscious mind. I have learned to make positive statements to myself almost repetitively. I have found that when I think on the positive aspects of my life or the positive things around me, my conscious mind eventually accepts my subconscious mind.

One other thing I hold on to keep me calm is reading my favorite passages in the Bible. The Bible holds a wealth of comforting words to keep me calm and serein, so, often I go to the Bible to read passages that hold fearful situations back.
Fear is the opposite of faith, and as long as I have God in my life I trust in His plan for me and my family. The Bible says, “For God has not given us a spirit of fear…” (2 Timothy 1: 7a NKJV) Because I know that fear is not of God, I choose to not let fear control me. Satan would have me to doubt and fear, God would have me to trust Him and live a happy fulfilled life despite what terrible things happen to me and around me. God didn’t give us the Spirit of fear. We can’t control what is going on in the world, but we can control our emotions and how we allow fear to play a part in our lives.

Day 4..How does Autoimmune affect our family.

My husband hangs in there. Working two jobs and helping me to do day to day things. We have two kids and even that is a challenge for me at times, he has to pick up a lot of the slack. My health has declined over the last four years and yet he is still here. Out of anybody my illness affects him the most. This is what he had to say.

Before Tabitha was diagnosed with LUPUS, we both worked and were able to provide our kids with most of their needs on a daily basis. Then on that day in April of 2014 when we went to the ER and received the diagnosis that she had a DVT on her right thigh, things started to get turned end over end. Within a few days we were told that she had antiphospholipid syndrome and LUPUS. It seemed that every time we went to a doctor we were told that she had another problem. She lost her job and we were starting to wonder what we would do. I got a second job and we were blessed with me having two employers who are flexible enough that I can be at her doctor’s appointments to support her and help her.

It has been a major adjustment for all of us in the last four years. I spend a lot of my time at work worrying about her and trying to coordinate all of her appointments with my work calendar and trying to keep enough leave time to make sure I can get her to them. I try to do everything I can to help her get through each day. I help in setting up her meds for her and making sure she gets them every day.

I try to put her needs before mine because she needs help with a lot of day to day activities. I believe we will find something one day that will improve her quality of life to a level that she will not be in so much pain and able to function better, but until then I will continue to do what I can to help her. She deserves that from me and I want to give it to her.

In case you missed it…

Living with many Autoimmune Diseases is difficult enough. I have to keep on living a life, being a mother and a wife. I have to deal with my pain and I have to keep a handle on my emotions.


Over the next few days I will share some of my closest family and friends writings on how my illness affects them. I asked each of them to write how my illness affects them. The first one will be from my Father, the second one will be from my 14 year old daughter and I will continue for a few days with a few more people. 

The reason I am doing this is because I want to bring awareness that our families and friends are deeply affected.



When we are physically  hurting, they are emotionally hurting for us. Sometimes it’s hard to express that you love someone when it hurts so bad.

 

Previous post includes a letter from my Dad, my daughter, and my best friend.