Life is not fair.

Life is not always fair but I do believe that everything happens for a reason and God always has a plan, even if I don’t see it. Last month I had aspiration pneumonia, twice, and just three weeks ago I was in sepsis. Now I am suffering once again with food that I swallow sitting in the bottom of my esophagus. My esophagus is paralyzed and does not push food through so I choke every night. The doctors are at a loss on how to help me, so I am left with a daily fight with eating.

It might be easy to try and blame God on my illness, because after all I have prayed so much for healing and it just seems like my prayers for healing go unanswered. However, through all of this I have peace, I have hope and I know where my help comes from. So have they really gone unanswered?

I know God did not cause me to have the past that I have and He certainly did not make me sick; that is just a product of living in a fallen world. So, where does God fit in the grander scheme of my life? He is my source, my rescuer, my comforter, my healer. I have come to realize that even though I am expecting a physical healing, God heals in many different ways and that is ok with me.

Grateful for every breath.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 says, ” Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

As I sit here this morning, I can’t help but be extremely grateful for every breath that I take….literally

Today, I am heading to Jacksonville, Florida at Mayo Clinic for what seems like it might be one of many visits to come.

Last weekend, I was admitted to the hospital for multifocal pneumonia. Sunday morning I woke up with chest pain and shortness of breath. I didn’t know it was as severe as it was but my body was is in a fight or flight mode. My esophagus is not pushing food and drink down like it should which has caused me to aspirate food and fluid at night into my lungs. My entire right lung is now compromised with infection and nodules obstructing my air.

Even with all of that, I remain grateful. I know that I am blessed and that God has a plan even when noone else does.

I am grateful for God’s love. And, I know, that because of God’s love, he has given me everything I have ever needed. I know that the very breath that I take, that each moment I have is a gift of God’s love just for me! Every moment of my existence is proof of his grace and everlasting love for me!


Gratitude changes my whole perspective in tough situations and I know that I can find peace and hope by keep an attitude of gratitude.

Here’s the trick though, I can’t just pull out the “I’m grateful card” the moment disaster strikes and expect to find peace and a new look on life. It doesn’t work like that. I have to build my gratitude daily, it takes work. I have to be aware of ALL things God has done and is doing and I have to practice a grateful heart. I can’t control a lot of things going on in my life right now but I am in charge of my heart, and my mind.

Gratitude takes nothing for granted, it recognizes God with a new sense of wonder and all we have to do is praise the goodness of God. A grateful person knows that God is good, not just by hearsay but by experience. And that is what makes all the difference.

I know that the lessons that I learn in my lowest of lows are preparing me to receive the blessings of my highest highs. This time will be no different. How do I know? Because he says so..


NIV Romans 8:39
neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.


One of the things that I consciously try to do is be aware of the little things in my life. Keeping the little things in the front of my mind allows me to be more aware of God moving in my life. I haven’t always been like this, the negative would overpower my thinking in the midst of hard times. The simple mindset of gratitude has greatly impacted the way that I face my mountains in my life. As for me, I will walk by faith, not by sight with a grateful heart.

Dance in the rain. 

When the Indian chief asked his warriors how do you dance and make it rain every time?  They said,” we dance until it rains.” 

“When you walk with God you have to believe, you have to stand in faith, you have to know that God’s going to fulfill.” J.Lee

Lately, there have been days that I can not get out of bed. My energy is low, my pain level is high and looking from the outside in, I am sure it looks like it is not going to get better for me any time soon.

Right now, I am in a flare. My connective tissues are on fire, and in pain, my joints ache, my gastroparesis is making my belly bloat and hard, I am having a hard time eating without pain, my glucose levels are the highest it’s ever been and it’s hard to control, and lastly, my kidneys are giving me problems because of my Lupus Nephritis.

I have reached a point in my chronic illness where my doctors do not know how to treat me anymore. 

So, what’s a girl to do? Do I give up and throw in the towel? Nope!! God is my healer. I know the reality of my situation but I stand on my faith that one way or another, God will give me the quality of life back, God will heal me. Until then, I will dance in the rain.

Dance in the Rain.

  1. sent up a prayer for you this evening Tabitha! I am so very sorry you are struggling with eating.

What you think consistently becomes your reality.

The mind is extremely powerful and can change our mood in an instant for good or for bad. 

For me it’s easy to get caught up in the negative thoughts because of my illness.  It never goes away, I always have a reminder even when my pain isn’t as high as normal! I have  heard a few times lately someone say, “you know, you will never get better.” “This is, “Chronic.” “You just got to learn to live with it.”

Yep, I was told that a few times, over the last few months and it was like a knife in the gut. I could feel my existence get ripped right from underneath me.  God just made me stop one day and made me realize it doesn’t have to be that way. I can control what I am thinking.  

I am not in denial of my reality. But I am a child of God!! And I believe in miracles still. I am not at the mercy of what the doctors say!! I am at the mercy of God!

 What you think consistently becomes your reality.

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So, I am doing a new thing; and I challenge you if you are still reading this at this point and it has spoken to you at all to try it for a week in your life and let me know how it goes for you. Every time I think something negative, I stop and I immediately think of the positive side.  If I am wake up hurting, well I turn that and think, I woke up alive, I have a bed, I have a house, I have AC, I have a family, I am dry etc.. keep going until it speaks to you. I have to be mindful of what I hear and what I think. I will not allow myself to dwell on the negative any longer.

Proverbs 4:23 Contemporary English Version (CEV)

Carefully guard your thoughts
because they are the source
of true life.

I would rather be in control of my mind, have a strong mind and keep my thoughts positive and know that even if the world says this disease is killing me, God can turn this around anytime he wants. I would rather go down fighting with hope, than go down giving up.