I am what I am.

But by the grace of God I am what I am.
But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect. No, I worked harder than
all of them—yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me.
1 Corinthians 15:10
I used to have this famous saying, “it is what it is.” Every time I didn’t like something and I had to accept it, I
would spout off those words. It meant to me, that I had to accept whatever is happening.
I didn’t grow up in a family that was like the TV show that I used to watch as a child, “Growing Pains.” In
Growing Pains, the mom and Dad were in love and it was a picture perfect family of educated parents and kids
that had boundaries. In fact, I grew up in quite the opposite. In my childhood, I went from abusive parents, to a
foster home, then back to an abusive parent.
Many look at my life and wonder why God didn’t stop any of the abuse and now I am chronically ill at thirty
eight years old with the worst kind of Lupus. At times I have to admit it makes no since except for the passage I
quoted of Paul in the New Testament, “I am who I am, and his grace to me was not without effect. No I worked
harder than all of them, yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me.”
It’s hard to say but I would not be the person I am today without all the trials I have faced. I have been through
abuse, and neglect and abandonment and at times the scars of those memories carry over into my illness. I still
feel alone at times, I still feel like I am fighting for my life and at times I lose sight of the one who has never left
me, God. I am far from perfect, but without God’s grace I could not face the battles that I have today. It’s in the
tough times that we gain strength. It’s in the tough times of testing that we are given testimony of God’s
I catch myself at times wishing the bad things of my life would disappear but this morning I realize I am who I
am because I needed God, because of his Grace he saw me through and I am a better person because of him.

Sometimes I feel like giving up.

Sometimes I feel like giving up.

Sometimes I just want to jump in a hole and cover myself up! Satan has a way to make me feel worthless.  It’s not always easy to fight 24/7. Sometimes I feel like giving up.

The only way I can verbally explain most of my life is, it has been a balancing act. I had to stay in survival mode growing up and now as an adult I struggle with Lupus surviving.

Satan knows all of those negative things that I have fought against, and he knows how to use the past to put doubt in my mind.

Lupus may be the biggest fight in my life. Lupus carries a fear in itself, and I can’t get away from it.

We all have our own personal struggles, and we all have our own past situations that we struggle with. So, what do we do?

I literally have to run back and forth to Jesus daily, sometimes every hour. That’s my only relief. He is all I have.


We all want to be strong but what if being strong means first you have to be weak?

If you love somebody, that’s what makes you strong.

We all want to be strong but what if being strong means first you have to be weak? What if being strong means you will need someone to help you be strong? What if becoming strong means being vulnerable and trusting someone!

This past week I had some tests at Mayo Clinic that revealed new conditions that are linked to my Lupus disease that I wasn’t quite ready to hear. I may be facing several surgeries for serious unexpected findings. I am not saying that I am not afraid, I am not saying that I am not praying for a miracle, what I am saying is that I trust God and even if this ends up in a way that I don’t want, He is still all I have!

Trusting God is being vulnerable to Him, it’s unconditional, it’s trusting Him in whatever He does, it’s ok, even if it’s NOT what we want.

Needing to be strong means letting someone, that includes God, to help you be strong even if it means becoming weak soomeone can or God  can help you be strong. The best thing I ever did was learn to be weak with God, so that he could make me strong. I know that He is all that I have!

Paul said in 2 Corinthians 12: 9, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Stop fighting, stop flexing your mental muscles and admit your weaknesses. Then God will be your strength.

#Bestrong #God #love


Stuck in Brain Fog.

  • Living with brain fog.


    Brain fog is something that a lot of people with Lupus struggle with and we have to do the best we can to work through it. People that we deal with on a day to day basis don’t quite understand what this feels like. They mean well, when they complete our sentences, but that only rushes us to think what we are trying to say. We see the impatient look on their faces waiting for us to get the words out and it further complicates our thinking process. It kind of makes us not want to communicate at all sometimes. Because of the brain fog, putting a sentence together can be difficult. We frantically try to search for the one word that we have used a million times but we can’t think of it in mid-sentence. It’s like trying to reach something in the dark. For me personally, I have lost a lot of control over many things in my life because of Lupus, this brain fog is just another stumbling block. In many cases I can’t control my cognitive thinking.

    I have an impeccable long-term memory but my short-term memory has become severally hampered because of Lupus. I ask the same questions over and over again, not knowing I had already asked the same questions several times before. I can’t remember small things any more. Sometimes, I cannot even remember what day of the week it is, much less the year.

     Although I wouldn’t wish a chronic illness on anyone, I think my illness has given me a different perspective on some things in life. It’s made me appreciate the little things that I used to take for granted like getting up and going to work,driving and walking around the grocery store or even to the gym. I used to have the ability to work with my hands,the ability to get up and go whenever I pleased. However, because of Lupus, freedom to do as I please has been drastically reduced. I know that giving up is not an option for me, I have to continue to try and think things through regardless of the someone else’s lack of patience with me. I need to push through to remember things even if it takes me a little longer. I am an over-comer and I will fight this with all I have.




What if God wants to use you and what you are going through to reach someone else? What if He wants to heal you so that your story can heal someone else? I know that I often see myself as insignificant but God does not see me that way! He sees me and you differently than how we see ourselves. He sees us stronger than we give ourselves credit for, he sees us as victorious, significant, and he wants for us to live the abundant life that he prepared for us before we were even born.

We were made to RISE above! Whatever you are facing today, it does not define who you are. Maybe you have an illness, depression, addiction, abuse, anxiety, or past regrets, whatever it is God has a plan. Be still and you will find it.


Behind closed doors.

Behind closed doors, here’s what you don’t see; tears from heartache, fighting for every day, crying silently, and begging to be
set free from illness, Lupus and all it encompasses. This illness has a hold of me, yes, the only way out is with God’s grace.
Life with this illness, can be a lonely place, something I have heard time and time again.
Sometimes, I am screaming inside my own head. I silently cry about the little things that are never said. I feel so guilty for the
things that I miss in my life and my children’s life. I hear people say to me, “when you feel better,” and my heart aches for those days. The question is, when will I feel better?
Life is so short, I realize that every day. Each day is a blessing, even if I am in pain. I must live with my body and make the best of what I have. My life goals have changed, it’s no longer about me only, it’s about what I can accomplish for God while I’m still here. Will I make a difference today in the world? Will I make someone’s day?
The chains of pain, the turmoil in my head, the hurting heart, the weakened body, I feel as if these are just excuses in my head to
hold me back. I have to run, run with my life! God has a plan, and I have to stand.

Behind closed doors.

It’s a new race today.

 It’s a new race today.
Hebrews 12: 1-2a
“Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith…”
This morning, I want us to finish strong the race that is set before us. It’s a brand new day, and it may seem like the same old race but I assure you, it is a new race today. Today, feel stronger, more alive, feel like you are a winner and this race is very doable. The route or path has been laid out for us, God has chosen my route and He has chosen your specific route. Now, we must lay aside everything that hinders us from running this race well and finishing this race strong. Endurance only comes to those who have proven themselves in the race by running daily and by focusing on the goal that is set before them. The race is not to the swift or the battle to the strong (Ecclesiastes 9:11) but to those who have focus and stamina to run the race skillfully. Today, in whatever you do, do it well and finish strong.