Life is not fair.

Life is not always fair but I do believe that everything happens for a reason and God always has a plan, even if I don’t see it. Last month I had aspiration pneumonia, twice, and just three weeks ago I was in sepsis. Now I am suffering once again with food that I swallow sitting in the bottom of my esophagus. My esophagus is paralyzed and does not push food through so I choke every night. The doctors are at a loss on how to help me, so I am left with a daily fight with eating.

It might be easy to try and blame God on my illness, because after all I have prayed so much for healing and it just seems like my prayers for healing go unanswered. However, through all of this I have peace, I have hope and I know where my help comes from. So have they really gone unanswered?

I know God did not cause me to have the past that I have and He certainly did not make me sick; that is just a product of living in a fallen world. So, where does God fit in the grander scheme of my life? He is my source, my rescuer, my comforter, my healer. I have come to realize that even though I am expecting a physical healing, God heals in many different ways and that is ok with me.

Walk through the valley.

I have walked through some of the darkest years of my life alone, so I thought. I have felt broken physically, mentally and spiritually. I have been completely overwhelmed at times with life, and not knowing what direction to go that I was afraid to move. To think the next thought, I might fall apart.  I have thought, that I just can’t just make it through another day through with all of my illnesses more times that I want to admit.

But I hold it all together for myself, my husband, and more than anything for my kids. I know that I am not alone,God is always with me, he will never leave me and I can always turn to him. I know that someone is reading this right now saying they know how this feels. 

No matter where I have been in this journey, I have learned that all of those feelings are only temporary even if they come back after a while. God has always sent help my way.
It may have been an encouraging word from a nurse, or something I read, or sending someone my way to bring a word of grace, but he has always provided what I needed.

I have to look for God even in the smallest of things because even if it doesn’t appear that anything is changing I know that God is always doing something. I know the closer that I walk with God, the more Satan will try to knock me down but I have to stand tall, and be strong in my faith and know where my help comes from no matter the challenge I am facing.  

What Satan doesn’t realize is the very tool that he thought would make me turn on God has brought me even closer to my heavenly Father. The sickness and the hardships of my life has made me put total dependency on God, instead of myself or someone else. Satan doesn’t want me to rise above my problems but I choose to rise above anyway even if it will take a little more effort on my part. 

David wrote in Psalms 23,” Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for you are with me.”