Because of my illnesses sometimes I find myself feeling like I am broken and useless. No wonder, everything in my life has been turned upside down and changed; now everything revolves around my illnesses. Things I once loved were gone in an instant and what’s left of the old me slowly gets stripped away each day.
I have no doubt that even if you are not sick, feeling broken or useless may apply to some others as well. It’s not supposed to be that way! However, we can grow tremendously through the changes that we are forced to go through. And we can rise above any obstacles as long we are in God’s hands.
Often times in life I feel insignificant, like a small fish in a big ocean. So many times I want to throw my hands up and just quit because of that but God says to me, “No, there is somebody that needs to hear you.” I love it when God reminds me that even though I am sick and the world sees that I can’t do much for them, I still have a purpose and I can do great big things for him.
After talking to a childhood friend that grew up similar to me, I began thinking about how many people I know that use how tough they had it as a child as an excuse of why they aren’t where they want to be now in life and it turns out there are a lot. I have never allowed anything that ever happened to me in my past to be my excuse, in fact I have used the things that happened to me as a learning experience of what not to do. This was a random rant, not directed at anyone in particular. Just some thoughts that I needed to get out.
The odds have been against me for most of my life
From the very start, I was born into a dysfunctional family, born to parents that couldn’t take care of themselves let alone children. Parents that were mentally unstable, a result of their own dysfunctional past. I lived through all kinds of abuse for the first nine years of my life from the people who I should have trusted first. Then, the next eight years I experienced a greater hell than the first nine. The scars from those abuses have haunted me for years.
Child abuse takes its toll on the body.
I believe the body, mind and spirit pays for the past abuse in ways I never imagined. Now, I see that the odds were stacked against me because now I live with a disease that has ravaged my body on the inside. I suffer with mixed connective tissue disorder, an autoimmune disease that manifests itself in many different forms that attack you from the inside, and Lupus, and major stomach and esophagus issues. Although my illness isn’t always apparent on the outside, it is creating havoc inside my body.
I’m an Over comer.
The odds have been against me so many times, but I am a fighter, and a survivor not a victim. Every single day of my life, I wake up knowing that today is brand new day and no matter what I might have felt like yesterday, it doesn’t have any bearing on how I will feel today. I mentally fight against my past and my illness every day, after all I believe that healing begins in my spirit, then in my mind, lastly in my body. I mentally decide how much I will allow the things that come at me each day control me.
God has a purpose for my life.
No matter the terrible things that have come my way, I choose to put myself out there in the world, to people I may never meet, hoping that I will give someone enough hope and strength to hang on for a little while longer. My quest and my goal is to touch someone for Jesus. He is my strength and a very present help in time of trouble. (Psalms 46: 1).
#survivor #purpose # chronicillness
This song seemed appropriate for my mood today. Enjoy.
When you are suffering it’s easy to slip into a state of hopelessness.
I live with chronic illness, my major organs are being attacked one of them is my heart, that means unless God heals me, I am not going to get any better. That also means, each day I have to be at peace with where I am at today, at this very moment. You can be angry about the past or your present right now, that’s entirely up to you. I tend not to give the power back over to the people or my illness that have already ruined things once.
The way I see it is; that I can live life one of two ways;
One; I was born into an unfair world, I suffered and I didn’t deserve how I got treated. I get knocked down too much and I don’t think life is fair so I am not going to even try. Life just sucks…
Two; I can use my circumstances and become stronger because of them. Every time life knocks me down, I get back up again using it as a spring-board. I focus on the good things in life and enjoy every moment in life that I do have.
I choose to live my life exactly like the second choice. I have no time for negativity in my mind because my time is so precious and limited.
I refuse to allow myself to think about how unfair my illness is. I know the consequences in the end, but I do not dwell on them. I am making my life worthwhile anyway though, no matter the trials.
Make your life count for something no matter what is going on in your life. If you are sick, count your blessings still.
I would rather live out the rest of my days being grateful for all the things I do have, rather than be upset, live in regret, waste precious time, for the things I didn’t do or don’t have.